


A clean break

by Anonymous



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Castiel Deserves Better (Supernatural), Castiel and Dean Winchester Need to Use Their Words, Guilty Castiel (Supernatural), Guilty Dean Winchester, Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Hurt Dean Winchester, Hurt No Comfort, Moving On, Post-Episode: s15e09 The Trap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 02:02:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24961987
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/
Summary: After Dean's prayer Cas still can't get over how Dean has treated him. Whilst he has sympathy for Dean's issues he has come to realise he just doesn't belong with the Winchester's and he'll always be an afterthought. They sit down and   have a non heated mature conversation about their unhealthy friendship leading them to wish each other well and  permanently part ways.WarningThis isn't a happy fix itI'm just after watching season 15 and I feel this friendship which used to be so special  has become  so one sided. The prayer was nice but I really don't think the damage done can be resolved with an "I'm sorry, I was angry". No hate or bashing on anyone  just my head canon of a healthy though  sad resolution for these two characters.Cas gets to speak in this about his hurt because the writers don't seem to allow him to ever do this.
Kudos: 29
Collections: Anonymous





	A clean break

Cas crashed hard through the portal with Dean landing behind him. He groaned at the impact, sore and mentally drained. He clambered to his feet pulling out the leviathan blossom and checking it was intact.

"Cas", said Dean, he turned to the other man. " We need to get a move on Dean and get to Sam and Eileen", he said curtly. Dean stood quietly as Cas prepared the spell, only protesting mildly when Cas explains that he will be the one to take the mark.

They jump into the car both knowing time is of great essence if they are to save Sam and Eileen. Cas slid down on passenger seat resting his head against the window. His head pulses with steady pain whilst he had healed the physical damage of the head wound he had received in purgurty his grace is low and he can not completely heal. 

"You ok?", the gruff voice startled Cas out of the tired haze he was in. He looked around to see Dean looking at him with a raised eyebrow. He nods," fine," he says hoping Dean will drop it because he doesn't have the energy to talk. He isn't fine not at all but he doesn't want to share that right now especially to Dean.

Their plan, as usual, goes to absolute shit. Cas's heart tugs for Sam as he can see the hope has drained from the younger Winchester's eyes and him and Eileen bid each other an emotional farewell. He does, however, feel more sorry for Eileen, he knows from experience Sam will be fine as long as he has his big brother. The two Winchesters might get discouraged at times but eventually, they'll have one of their us against the whole world prep talks and come back swinging. Cas greatly admired them for that.

Sam fills them in on what Chuck had said. When he apologises for sabotaging the plan and Dean immediately reassures him that it's ok and they'll find another way Cas has to push down the stab of slight resentment and hurt. It's Sam, off course he gets an immediate free pass with Dean. The brothers can instantly forgive anything of each other whilst any mistake Cas or Jack made is held over them no matter what their circumstances or reasonings are. Sam leaves to go to bed leaving Cas and Dean in the silence of the kitchen.

Dean looked exhausted as he sips on a glass of whiskey. Cas sat opposite him, Dean looked up, "How you doing man?". Cas didn't have the energy to break it gently, he had made up his mind before they had returned home from purgurty beating around the bush would only make this harder on everyone involved. " I'm leaving", he said, he saw the slight worry on Dean's face. "What? why? has something come up? Cas buddy, With everything going on with Chuck it's not safe out there".

Cas near laughed at the irony of it. He had been out there by himself since this whole thing started. The only contact he had had with Dean in last weeks was the other man berating him for not answering Sam's texts and mockingly telling him to watch his back because Chuck was back without as much as a care of his safety or a question of how he was doing. It hurt so much more because Dean had known his powers where failing however it wasn't the first time Dean had turned his back on him when he was powerless. Dean had also recently sent him to hell with the demon wearing the corpse of his son without as much as a care of his survival and now he was worried about his safety. He rubbed his temple his head still pounding. " No, nothing comes up Dean. I mean I'm leaving for good", he said. 

Cas braced himself for the anger and accusations. Dean Winchester did not take perceived abandonment well. The anger never came and Cas looked up to see Dean looking at him devastated. "Cas, I said I was sorry", he said. Cas felt his heartbreak wondering why Dean had this hold over him why this couldn't be easier.  
" I know and I told you I heard your prayer and I forgive you, Dean, I do but too much was said. We can't fix this". 

Dean's voice was broken, "I was angry Cas, I lost my Mum again". Cas felt all his restraint shatter, " you weren't the only one hurting Dean, I loved Mary too and I lost Jack he was my son, then I found out my father was a cruel narcissist. My whole life which has been billons of years has been a lie I served a mission that was a complete lie", Cas was crying now and he saw the regret on Dean's face, the Winchester tried to reach out to him but Cas drew back. Now he had started, it was like a dam had burst open and he couldn't stop the words from tumbling from his mouth. 

"My powers are low, I lost Jack and had to see that thing parading around in his body. You sent me to hell Dean, you didn't care if I was trapped or not and then I had to kill the demon in my child's body. Do you know he taunted me, Dean?. He begged me not to kill him in Jack's voice". Dean was shaking his head slowly, " Cas", he said his voice pained but Cas continued,  
"You weren't there Dean, the time I needed you most and had lost everything all at once and you completely pushed me away. And you were so cruel. I was completely alone during the worst time of my life and you blamed me for everything". 

Dean was crying now too, " Cas please", he said his voice raw with emotion. Cas shook his head, "you have Sam you don't need me" he said an echo of the night many weeks ago when their friendship had ruptured for good. "This isn't fair Cas we're supposed to be friends damn it you're family," said Dean. Cas shook his head, "this friendship hasn't been healthy for years Dean" his voice is stuffy from tears and loaded with regret, "and I'm not family, you say the words but the only family you really count is Sam".

Dean looked up denial and pain in his green eyes, " the hell Cas, that's not true". Cas gave him a sad look, "it is Dean, you called both me and Jack family", his voice broke on Jack's name but he bravely carried on, " yet you gave up on us at the first sign of trouble. You summoned death to kill me when I swallowed souls of purgurty and you locked Jack who you claimed was your child in a box and when that didn't work you tried to kill him". 

Dean looked down his face pure anguish but for once he didn't have any denials unable to deny hard cold facts. Cas kept going, throwing everything at Dean this way was possibly borderline cruel but he couldn't stop it all the hurt of the last ten years was pouring out of him. "I was tortured and mind warped by Naomi Dean. I might have made the wrong choices about the tablet but I was scared and I was been controlled. I still managed to break free of it to stop myself killing you but you still made me grovel for your forgiveness". When I was first loosing my grace I was trying to save you from the mark. I nearly died do you know the only reason I got to you in time?. It was Crowley who saved me.

Dean couldn't even meet his eye any more. The two of them were both crying freely. Cas wiped the tears, " you throw me out with nothing when I was human, I was sleeping on street until I managed to get job and then I was sleeping in storeroom in work. You may of had to save Sam but you didnt give me anything, I had no money for food, nowhere to stay, and every angel was after me. Then I stuck up for you Dean, I told Jack I had you and Sam during the fall, I told him we where family that he was safe and I wish I hadn't off ", Cas trailed off as tears overtook hin taking a shaky breath he continued, " I wish I had told him the truth that your love was conditional because then he wouldn't be dead. He done the same as me gave everything up for you and Sam and when he lost his soul you done the same as you always did to me you turned on him and now my son's dead". Cas let out desperate sob trying to bring himself back under control, "I think out of everything last year hurt the most Dean", said Cas. "You were going to throw yourself into a box under the sea, you said goodbye to everyone but me. You didn't even think enough of me to say goodbye and yet you say we're family".

Dean dropped his head into his arms the man's shoulder's shaking. " I'm so sorry Cas so fucking sorry, Im poison I". Cas held up a hand, "enough Dean no your not poison, you have an immense amount of pressure on you and you do try so hard. I'm not putting this all on you, I hold a lot of the blame for our current situation. I am not claiming complete innocence, I have betrayed your trust many times. None of us is blameless in this but we can not keep pretending our friendship is in any way healthy or claim to be family. We need a clean break".

Dean swiped his hand across eyes. " I know Cas, just do me one last favour, talk to Sam before you leave and tell him your left. I'll take full responsibility, I'm not asking you to hide anything but he needs to hear from you. He deserves a proper goodbye". 

Cas nodded, he had intended to speak to Sam anyway. "I'll go speak to him now". As Cas stood up he gently squeezed Dean's shoulder as the man once more dropped his head to his folded arms to hide his tears. Cas gently broke the news to the younger Winchester. Sam's confusion and heartbreak are equally as heartbreaking as Dean's tears. He felt guilty about leaving in the midst of the battle with Chuck but the Winchester brothers were resourceful and a well-oiled team.

He knew they would be more than fine as long as they had each other. Cas would do his part from the sidelines but much as the words team free will and family were thrown about, he and the Winchester's worked better apart. Their complicated history and relationships usually hindering and slowing down solutions.

When Cas walked into kitchen Dean stood up and walked over to stand in front of him. Blue eyes met green holding their usual intense eye contact for the last time both tearful and full of regret." I'm sorry", said Dean his voice hoarse, "I'm so fucking sorry Cas for everything. You know I don't think I ever even thanked you for everything you did for me and Sam. You gave up so much to save me".

Cas held more tears back as he looked into Dean's eyes. " You deserved to be saved Dean, you have saved so many people and done so much good for this world. Our friendship might not have worked but it wasn't all bad you taught me about free will, you taught me to think for myself and to fight for what I believe in thank you". Dean moved as if to hug him but Cas stepped back offering his hand instead. They shook hands and Cas looked into the eyes of the man he had loved and sacrificed everything for one last time, "goodbye Dean" he said dropping his hand and heading towards the stairway. "Goodbye Cas", said Dean softly, "please stay safe". 

Cas exited the bunker door for what would be the last time. He leaned against his truck the sobs wreaking his whole frame. He felt hollow but unlike last time he had left those long weeks ago with bitter twisted words tainting everything between him and Dean, there was a certain peace to this final farewell. Words that needed to be said had been spoken, and forgiveness granted on both ends. It was definitely now time to move on. 

https://youtu.be/IiHhTdg8qrc

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